We are all about chivalry here on Man For Today, including elegant living, confident communication, and unmatchable interpersonal skills delivered with charm and panache.
It’s essential to keep this persona alive in the world and in yourself, and with modern times changing so fast, men must aspire to become gentlemen.
What is a ‘gentleman’?
The irony of this word is that whatever or whoever a gentleman is, he is certainly not someone who refers to himself as one. A gentleman is the end product that comes alive from all other qualities singing in harmony. I am no saint, but I know what makes a gentleman.
Here’s your definitive list of character traits and gentlemanly qualities you need to become the perfect gentleman.
1. A gentleman is not perfect
Perfection is a noble aim, but the ruthless pursuit of perfection is the enemy. As mentioned, you should not refer to yourself as a gentleman or think you are perfect to embody one. You are a man who accepts responsibility and is aware of your limitations and talents. We all tell lies and do things we know we should not have done – that’s human nature. Understanding that as the basis to be better (whatever the area) is what it’s all about.
2. A gentleman is kind above all else
Whatever you are doing in life, you should constantly guide yourself with kindness to others. Bringing attention to yourself is something you do with caution, skill, and taste. No matter who you are dealing with, you are kind to them and think very low of people who toss kindness and manners aside for their own ego and benefit.
Generosity is everything.
3. A gentleman is principled but self-aware
Unless you walked on water or turned water into wine (if only…,) then you know you are not perfect and admit your shortcomings honestly. Nevertheless, solid principles (e.g. honesty, integrity, manners, tact, objectivity) are fundamental to your character regardless of which new social media platform you show your face on.
4. A gentleman knows the difference between fashion and style
Wasting more than 20% of your wardrobe spend on seasonal trends is not how a gentleman established his reputation as a stylish man. Style evolves like fashion, but it evolves many decades slower. Your wardrobe is full of timeless pieces that always stay in style.
Learn more: The Modern Gentleman’s Handbook of Style
5. A gentleman does not chase women who display no interest
Romantic pursuits – yes. Chasing women hoping they will finally take an interest in you sends all the wrong signals and wastes your time anyway. Elegant women with a heart as good as yours do not want you to waste your time, however flattered they might be. A good woman wants to be interested in you and display it clearly enough for you to know your next move, but not too much that she loses her feminine mystique.
6. A gentleman knows that being overly polite gets you nowhere
You might think it’s funny for me to say such a thing, but this is the reality. Good manners and etiquette can prove your strength of character and how kind your soul genuinely is. If you need to take your sorry’s, thank you’s, and please to the extreme, then you are doing something wrong to begin with. Say please once, say thank you once, and say sorry once. Over-kindness will be mistaken for weakness.
7. A gentleman nails every first impression he makes
Seven seconds is all you have. I think you have 3 seconds or less to make an excellent first impression.
You might not be the most virtuous man in existence. Still, you are a man with good eye contact, a firm handshake that is not deliberately dominant, and you acknowledge people’s names while introducing yourself correctly at the same time.
8. A gentleman is an honest diplomat
Social tact and an intelligent choice of words are crucial for maintaining entente cordiale with those that disagree with you. Still, a gentleman never lies about what he thinks, nor does he sacrifice his principles when it matters. If you believe what you think, say what you believe if you must say anything. Knowing when to voice your genuine opinions and when to be understanding of others is a vital skill for social and professional success.
9. A gentleman ties a four-in-hand knot and no other
Let the Windsor knot fans throw mud at you. Search anywhere reputable, classic, and refined, and you will only see ties done with a four-in-hand knot or similar. A Prince Albert knot (double four-in-hand) is great too.
10. A gentleman can cook without using an oven or air fryer
A solid five or so dishes that you have almost mastered and can cook at the drop of a hat is a great skill that tickets both boxes: utility and attractiveness.
11. A gentleman pays on the first date
Despite the objective advice I give to people regarding who pays for the first date (answer: whoever initiates the date), a gentleman should take it upon himself to pay for the first date, romantic or friendly. You shouldn’t endlessly insist. If somebody is determined to pick up the tab or wants to split, accept their offer. Bickering over who pays is never gentlemanly.
12. A gentleman never betrays the trust of another
It might be a bit of gossip at work or something much more intimate and secretive from loved ones. If they approached you and entrusted you with some information, you would never share it or tell a soul.
13. A gentleman never embarrasses himself
Drunk or sober, you always maintain your integrity by knowing when enough is enough. If you slip and fall over in front of a crowd, that’s unfortunate but forgivable. However, unbuttoning half of your shirt at a wedding to throw some shapes on the wedding dance floor – unforgivable.
14. A gentleman is a man of many talents
More than one talent is needed, especially nowadays. A man of interest and capability is one with a formidable arsenal of skills. It doesn’t matter what they are precisely; they need to be enriching to yourself and intriguing to others. Learn how to cook, dance, craft something, take photographs. Never limit your capabilities.
15. A gentleman is comfortable at home and abroad
Being well-travelled is itself a necessary experience to have under your belt. What broadens the mind more than most things is to travel and experience other cultures and people – stepping outside of your own can help you see your own more objectively and appreciate more. And wherever you are situated, you should be capable of living in different places and have your character and mind developing yet stable. A gap year in Thailand does not exactly cut it. I’m sorry to say.
16. A gentleman is never boring
Being interested and informed is pivotal in climbing the social and professional ladder. Nobody wants to be stuck with the bore at parties, and that cannot be you. If nobody thinks your cultured hobbies are interesting, then more fool them. However, no matter what your interests are, you should deliver them in conversation with curiosity and charisma. Saying, ‘Oh, it’s nothing really, terribly dull’, is anti-charisma and not words a gentleman says seriously about his own endeavours.
17. A gentleman puts up or shuts up
Rory Sutherland (advertising extraordinaire and marketing guru) said that the Dyson is a great hoover and the Henry is a great hoover. It’s the middle of the market that’s really uninspiring and dull. So much so that nobody wants to be there.
Similarly, a gentleman is never that middle-of-the-road average joe. If you have something worthy to say (as you always should), then say it, justify for existence and be a person of significance. If that’s not going to be you, then that’s alright. Not everyone likes the boldest in the room; you can still be very well-admired and appreciated by being the quieter one.
In short: only talk the talk if you walk the walk.
18. A gentleman holds the door open for anyone
Such subtle gestures may go out of fashion, but they will always be correct and proper. Allowing the door to slam shut on somebody is unfortunate if weren’t aware of someone behind you, but a gentleman will always check and hold it open for anyone, not just ladies.
19. A gentleman is always well-presented
Whether making a pitch to your boss or meeting in-laws who don’t like you very much, presenting yourself with dignity and neatness will always be treasured. This means don’t be lazy with your outfit or speech. It means if you are wearing a tie, wear a proper tie with all the buttons done. It means to introduce yourself clearly and never mumble.
20. A gentleman works hard and knows it is worth it
You could be a construction worker and still have all the natural attributes of a gentleman that matter because your hard work pays off for yourself or your family. If you have a five-year business plan with a fierce determination to hustle and grind until you reach £1,000,000 in sales a year, you will do it if you understand the real hard work it involves. Someone successful in his sphere is always admired and attractive.
21. A gentleman does not swear
That is not to say a gentleman never swears. We are all human, after all, and sometimes let emotions take hold, but swearing is not a habit you suffer from or find in your general vocabulary. Being ‘authentic’ is simply a lousy excuse not to control your language. It’s crass, tasteless, and very uncouth for a gentleman.
22. A gentleman is a life-long learner
Despite your formidable arsenal of skills, talents, and experience, a gentleman is acutely aware that others may know more than him and that he will never reach a point in any field or subject where he can say, ‘Now I know it all’. You don’t, and you never will, but you should always try and never give up on learning to become better.
23. A gentleman knows how to be romantic
Love is one of the ultimate motivators for anything we do. Romantic love is that charming thing about humans that sets us apart and what certainly sets the gentleman apart from the rest. Knowing how to use little gestures to erupt a smile in your partner’s heart will never get old. Romance can be found in expensive gifts sometimes (just not a room full of roses) if the value of that gift means the world to someone, but it will fail if it is expensive for the sake of being expensive. A surprise handwritten note goes equally a long way.
It may not be a skill per se, but it is an instinct you can develop over time. If you are attentive, generous, and a little creative, you are already 80% there.
